I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
