Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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