I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
