I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
