my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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