i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
