I'm really into asian looking animals
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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