just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
