Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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