You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
