her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
