it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
