Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
