I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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