How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
