I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
