I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
