I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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