Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
