I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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