I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Randomize
