y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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