On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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