hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
