Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
