"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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