Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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