I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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