Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
