Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
