Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
