'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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