he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
