YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I could make wine with my vomit
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
