We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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