my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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