I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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