My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
