im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
