why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
