Can Purell be used as lube?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
