oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
false alarm. still invincible.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
