its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I cannot find my penis.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
