you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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