shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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