Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
