I didn't shave. On purpose
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
