I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
