I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
