My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
barbara walters just said penis...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Randomize
